


I don't deserve you

by KatrinaLovesHazza



Category: HarryStyles/LouisTomlinson - Fandom, Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Cancer, Gay Sex, M/M, Weakness, chemo - Freeform, desicions, symptoms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 07:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2100174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatrinaLovesHazza/pseuds/KatrinaLovesHazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis are in love but Harry has cancer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't deserve you

**Author's Note:**

> Leave feed back please.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction. They are real people and therefore own themselves. This is a work of fiction and so none of this actually happened.

I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. Everything felt heavy. All I could do was lay curled up in the fetal position, my hands fisted in a vice like grip to the sheets. I was cold. It felt like I was sitting in a block of ice, getting frost bite on my fingers. But it was the middle of summer. I could hear the faint sound of a beautiful voice I was all too familiar with. It was louis. I wanted to answer back, tell him I was okay but I didn't have the energy. Everything was dark. I knew if I opened my eyes and saw my beautiful Louis, I would just get more depressed and feel sorry for myself. Knowing I might leave Louis, was heart breaking. I didn't want to leave him behind, he didn't deserve that. When my cancer fully takes over, I want Lou to be happy, not upset. I want him to move on and find someone he truly deserves. He's too good for me.

I just wanna die smoothly. No crying or goodbye's. I just want to be in Louis' arms. I knew Lou was upset about my cancer more than anyone else. I refused to go through chemotherapy, I didn't think it was worth it. As much pain as I was in now, I knew it would be ten times worse if I went through chemo and I didn't have the money for it. And I sure as hell wasn't going to ask Lou to pay for something like that, it was too much stress on him.

I could hear Louis screaming at me, trying to wake me up. But I was physically too weak, my muscles were like jello. I couldn't even open my eyes, it took too much energy. So I laid there and listened to Louis' frantic voice. Listened to the way the whole room seemed eerily silent. Listened to the way my phone was buzzing softly against my night stand. Listened to the way Louis cried himself to sleep, and I couldn't even do anything about it. I could feel Louis' warmth on me. His body weighing me down into the mattress. But it felt good. His hands tucked up under my shirt and his head on my chest. I wanted to reach out and run my hands through his soft hair but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even be a proper boyfriend to the man I loved. I didn't deserve Louis.

I could feel my head pounding to the point where I couldn't even think. I could feel the tears streaming down my face from the pain my whole body was in but I couldn't find the strength to move or let Louis know I wasn't feeling well. So as the pain gradually got worse, I cried and finally slipped off to sleep. Dreaming of nothing but darkness and more darkness.

 

* * *

 

I don't know when it was that I woke up but I could see the brightness in the room behind my eyelids. The faint sound of Louis asking me if I was okay. I missed him. I needed him. I could feel his soft touch against my arms and chest , his fingertips tracing down my stomach, drawing small circles. And then his touch was gone and I missed it. I could still hear his voice but I couldn't feel him anymore and I didn't like that.

I could hear Lou's voice becoming frantic, so I finally cracked an eye open and stared at him. As I opened my eyes fully, I could see the windows were wide open, letting the sun in. I turned my head over and spotted Louis. He looked beautiful as always as he paced the room, wearing nothing but a pair of old sweatpants. He probably should be at work but I knew how he worried about me, so he stayed here even if most of the time all I did was sleep. I don't know how long exactly I had been sleeping but I knew it was a long time.

When he finally glanced over to me and saw that I was in fact awake, his eyes widened and the smile that erupted on his face was one I would never forget. His eyes twinkled and his smile stretched across his face.

" Harry.." I could see the tears already starting to form behind his eyes. His cheeks already red from crying so much. "Harry you're finally awake." I couldn't help but think about what would happen the day I didn't wake up, my pulse gone and my soul gone but my body just resting there in that plain white bed that I knew all too well.

Hesitantly walking over to me, Lou sat on the bed, trying to pull me into his arms. I flinched but soon relaxed into his touch. My face was pressed against his chest, listening to his steady heart beat. I tried to reach up and wrap my arms around Louis but they only managed to move up a little so he wrapped his arms around me instead. I didn't know why I pushed him away sometimes, he was the only thing that made me happy. I didn't know why I did half the things I did. Cancer had changed me so much. Most of the time all I did was sleep, wishing I had the energy to love my Louis the proper way. Some days were good. I would be up and walking and me and Lou would make sweet love to each other or sit by the fire together. Today wasn't one of those days.

I could feel Lou crying silently above me. I hated to see him cry. It made my heart ache more than it already did.

"Lou." I whispered, my voice rough and unusual from so much sleep. " Lou please stop it. I'm sorry, for everything. But please don't cry." 

I looked up at Him with the little energy I had left, as he wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands, trying to hide his emotions. " I'm sorry harry. I've just missed you." I could hear the raw love and emotion in his words and I slowly lifted my fragile hand, to cup his cheek. I hated to see him like this. 

Before I could even reply, I could feel another wave of exhaustion wash over me. No. I tried to tell myself to stay with Louis but it was useless. I was too tired and weak. "It's okay harry. Go to sleep, love." Louis said, as he raked his fingers through my curls. And I did just that. 

 

* * *

I woke up to Lou's soft voice singing in the shower. I didn't know what day it was or what time. I never kept track because when I slept, it was always at random times. I slowly moved my hands up, wiping the sleep out of my eyes. Every muscle in my body felt on fire. I laid there for a minute more just listening to Louis' sweet voice. Finally swinging my legs over the bed, I attempted to stand up. My legs immediately gave out and I fell to the ground with a thud, banging my knees roughly on the ground. I sat there a minute, trying to let my body adjust. I attempted once again and managed to walk two small steps before my legs shook and failed to carry me. 

" C'mon", I could hear myself already getting frustrated as I held onto the bed and lifted myself up. Taking the slowest steps possible I made my way over to the bathroom door, my legs shaking from the cold and being so weak. My head was throbbing painfully but I tried to ignore it. I missed Louis so much, I needed him. As I opened the door, a rush of mist and fog wafted over me and I breathed in the fresh smell. I took off my sweatshirt that I had been wearing for only god know's how long, wincing at the pain from my bruised body. I silently slipped out of Louis' sweat pants. 

As I looked down all I wanted to do was cry. My body looked like shit, all red and angry and littered in bruises. I turned around carefully and quietly closed the door so Lou wouldn't hear me and made my way over to the shower. Upon entering I could see Louis facing the water as he washed his hair and sung softly to himself. My heart immediately felt tight in my chest. It was amazing after two years with this man, I still wasn't tired or bored with him. I weakly stepped into the shower, holding onto the walls so I didn't slip, and wrapped my arms around Lou from behind. Pressing my chest firmly to his back, feeling his strong torso and toned arse. God, he was amazing. It felt wonderful and perfect to finally hold him again and the water from the shower felt so good running down my body, relieving my tense muscles.

"Lou..", I whispered as I placed small open mouthed kisses to his upper back. He immediately turned in my arms and wrapped himself around me, holding me impossibly tight. I loved his hugs. They made me feel so safe. They made me feel like for a little bit I could actually pretend that there was nothing to worry about.

"Harry, my love. How are you feeling?", I smiled as I felt him talking into my neck, his arms tightening around me.

"I feel okay. But how long have I been sleeping?" I looked down at Lou. Even though I'd lost a considerable amount of weight from cancer and I was as fragile as ever, I still towered over Louis by a couple inches. 

"For a few days.", he replied before dropping his head down and burrowing his face into my bony chest. But not before I saw the sadness appear in his eyes. " I'm just glad you're awake now. You had me worried Haz." 

I brought my hand up, wrapping it around his chin so I could force him to look at me. I searched his beautiful blue eyes, seeing sadness and relief. I lowered my gaze to his mouth. Those beautiful lips. I missed them. 

" Can I kiss you?" I asked as I brought my hand back down to grip his waist and bring him closer to me. The water from the shower dripping down his face.

" Do you even have to ask that, Harry?" He said as he brought his lips up to meet mine, standing on the tips of his toes to reach me. It felt like I hadn't kissed him in years. I missed the way his lips felt so in sync with mine. I missed the way his tongue would explore my mouth almost greedy like, as if he was afraid I would leave any minute without giving so much as an explanation. I missed how he tasted. I moaned into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his fingers playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. 

"You taste so good, Lou." I murmured, as his arms held me tighter. "I don't think I can stand up any longer though." I could feel my legs shaking under my own weight, not being able to hold myself up.

Louis didn't hesitate to turn the water off and pick me up in his arms. Grabbing the towel to wrap around me, as he carried me over to our bed. It's weird to think how I used to carry him, but now I didn't even have the strength. I felt like I was a horrible boyfriend.

I watched him unwrap the towel from around me and bring it up to himself to dry his body off. He was gloriously naked and I wanted him. I knew I was staring but even now, he was the most beautiful person in my eyes. Tattoos littered his body, tattoos that matched the ones on me. I still remember all the nights we went out, getting tattoos to show our love for each other. 

"Lou. Lou I need you." I looked up at him as he stood above me, his cock already growing hard against his thigh. He slowly walked towards me, I knew he was teasing. He stood there, right in front of my face, his cock almost touching my lips. " please...." I didn't even know what I was begging for exactly. I wanted all of him. I reached up and went to grab his thick cock but was stopped as Lou took a hold of my wrist and brought my hand to his lips, leaving soft kisses on my knuckles. 

"Not yet, love. I only wanna make you feel good. Spread your legs for me." I hesitated but did as I was told. I wanted to touch and hold him. He hadn't even sat down yet, just stood there teasing me as I stared at his dripping cock that was so close to my waiting mouth.

I gasped as Louis grabbed a hold of the base of my cock, squeezing slightly. My eyes fluttered shut as he moved his hand slowly up and down my length, twisting and squeezing at the tip. "Lou." I panted as I grabbed out for him, i just wanted him to be close to me. He knelt down on the floor, his erection no longer near my wanting mouth. I felt him grab a hold of my chin in his strong grip and bring his face close to mine to kiss me. His kisses were soft at first as he slowly lifted his body from the floor and climbed onto the bed, straddling my waist . " Lou. Please." I whimpered as his tongue made its way past my lips, licking all along the inside of my mouth, tasting what belonged to him and only him. I reached up with my fragile hand and gripped the back of his neck, bringing him closer as he worked his hand at a quick pace, up and down my leaking cock. All I could hear were my loud moans echoing in the room and the noisy sounds me and Louis were making with our mouths. "Lou..." I could feel myself shaking from want. "Lou?"

"What do u want harry, tell me what you want." He demanded as he finally closed the space between our bodies, bringing his weight down on me and giving me warmth. I sighed in relief when I felt his lips latch onto my neck, biting into the skin and leaving his mark. I was his and I loved having him with me like this.

"Want you to fuck me, Lou." I could hear him moaning into my neck at my words, the sound vibrating through my body. "Please hurry"

Lou started to remove himself from me. " Where are you going?" I asked him as I grabbed onto his biceps and brought him back down on top of me, I could get so clingy during times like these.

"I'm just going to get the lube, Haz. I'll be right back I promise baby." He again started to remove himself but I just held him harder and wrapped my skinny legs around his waist, bringing his hips down to meet mine and grinding our bare erections against each other, moaning at the friction. 

"No. No lube. Wanna feel you properly. Wanna feel all of you Louis. No prep either. Please. Just want you.", I could hear myself getting to the point where I couldn't even speak full sentences anymore and he wasn't even inside me yet.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he looked at me with pure love in eyes. " I don't wanna hurt you, Haz. You're already so weak and I don't wanna make it any worse."

I could feel myself getting angry at his words. I didn't need pity. I knew he was only trying to care for me but it was my choice not to go through Chemo and I was happy with my decision. "Louis I'm not a baby. Please just make love to me." I pulled him down . Leaving small kisses from his jaw down to his collar bone, licking and tasting his skin. His moans were the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. I gasped when he roughly grabbed my thighs and brought them over his broad shoulders. 

"I love you." He whispered to me with so much love in his words I wanted to cry. I didn't deserve Louis. He took such good care of me and as much as I wanted to be a good boyfriend and go out with him and show him off, some days I couldn't even wake up. He should've just left me a long time ago. At least then he would've had someone to treat him better than I ever could. 

"Hazza? Babe, what's wrong?" I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt Louis brush away the tears and the wetness that had formed on my cheeks.

I leaned up and kissed him, trying to show him how much I cared. " I just love you Louis." I said as another tear rolled down my cheek and onto the pillow below my head. He smiled, that smile that never failed to make butterflies appear in my stomach. Spitting into his hand, he brought it down and coated his cock with saliva. Reaching down he pressed his nose to mine, giving me an Eskimo kiss as his hips slowly snapped forward and he lined up to my entrance. I grabbed fistfuls of the sheets as his tip entered my hole and he brought the rest of his length into me, ever so slowly.  
Pain shot through my lower back and my arse and I ignored it. I wanted Louis to enjoy this. But he always knew what to do, as he brought his hands down and massaged my lower back, soothing my aching muscles. 

"Please move."

He slowly brought his hips back and snapped them forward, making me groan in pleasure. I gripped his shoulders harder, digging my short nails into his back. I knew there would be angry red marks there later. 

He shifted his hips, pulling out so painfully slow, I was whimpering. I watched him from above me. His eyes closed tight as he moved his hips against mine and curse words fell from his lips. The pain was starting to subside but my bones still ached and I already felt weak. I knew I had to keep my strength for Lou, though.

"Let me so those beautiful eyes, Lou." I panted, as I held him closer to me, our bare chests against each other. Soft moans left my lips, we were still moving so slow; I knew he was trying to be careful.

He opened his eyes, revealing his blue orbs that instantly calmed me. He pressed his mouth to mine in a desperate attempt to muffle the sounds coming from his mouth. 

"Faster Lou." I said, squeezing his shoulder to show him I meant it. 

He looked at me. Blue orbs searching my green ones for any sign of doubt. But there wasn't any. I wanted to feel him. I didn't get much time to be this close to him and I wanted to take advantage of the moment.

"Please?" I pressed on as I brushed my lips against his, trying to get an answer out of him. He slowly nodded and kissed me, trailing his tongue along my bottoms lip and I complied, opening my mouth and letting him taste every bit of me.

His hips gradually started to increase in pace, and soon he was slamming into me. I was getting so tired but I had to stay awake. And Lou felt so good. I cried out as his tip brushed against my prostate, the pleasure being so intense. As he rammed into me, I lay there almost limp. I screamed his name when he hit my prostate head on and he smiled at me, a smile that made my stomach flop. He found my spot and he took full advantage, lifting me up a little and bringing his hips back as he slammed into me and continuously hit my prostate. Making me cry out his name every time. 

"Oh my god, Harry " he moaned into my neck, as his lips sucked the spot between my neck and shoulder. I winced as he sucked extremely hard, then brought his tongue out to soothe the rough patch of bruised skin. I was his. Simple as that. 

I gasped when he took a hold of me leaking erection, keening from the pleasure rolling through me. I gripped his bum, feeling the soft skin that belonged all to me.

I could feel the heat building up in my stomach. I wanted him close as I wrapped my legs harder around his waist and leaned up to meet his mouth in a messy but loving kiss. 

"I can't come, Lou it's too much." His thrusts were rougher now, and his hand was moving at a rapid speed over my throbbing cock. I needed the release but I didn't know if I had the energy for it, the pleasure was so intense.

"Yes you can, Haz. Come for me, darling." He spoke to me in a rough voice, his breath washing hot over my skin. His words were enough to knock me right over the edge. My orgasm rolled through me with so much intensity that my legs fell from around Louis' waist, laying spread out underneath him. My arms loosened as I couldn't even hold onto him. I cried out his name, my whole body shaking from my orgasm. 

I watched Louis as I came down from my high. I felt completely numb. Louis' thrusts were becoming irregular and he held onto my hips as he slammed into my fragile body. I flinched when I felt his warm release inside me, his face scrunched up and his mouth falling wide open. He looked so beautiful. He collapsed on top of me and with what little strength I had, I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, leaving open mouthed kisses before everything felt heavy and blurry and I passed out.

Louis' POV

I let my orgasm take over me as I felt Harry's soft lips on my neck. I moaned as his kisses intensified my orgasm to the point where I couldn't even think. But he abruptly stopped and I could feel myself whimpering from his lack of touch. But as his breathing evened out, I looked up at him, our bodies pressed tightly together as I lay on top of my lover. His eyes were shut, mouth slightly open and I knew he was asleep, I just didn't wanna believe it.

It wasn't fair. I barely got to even hold him. He looked so beautiful, his curls falling slightly over his eyes and his lips red and swollen from our kissing. 

I missed the beautiful green of his eyes. I missed his touch. I missed his soft lips and how he tasted. I missed his voice. I missed his laugh. I missed him already. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, could taste the saltiness on my lips. I just wanted my Haz. As I stood up, I walked into the hall closet, grabbing extra blankets to wrap around Harry. I knew he was always cold.

After wrapping him up, I kissed his forehead and brought him into my chest, falling into a deep sleep.

 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback?


End file.
